Tuesday, February 4, 2014

You Are Here

This morning, I had to get up extra early to print off a really pointless paper for a slightly pointless class.

I went to school early because I live in a place where my printer isn't set up because I don't have a desk to put it on cause my apartment is slightly ghetto ( but i love it anyways, i wish everyone could see it in  its blue-and-white-striped-wall-paper and all blue furniture glory). So i am on campus and the printer/computer isn't working. And i'm talking on the phone with my mom. And I'm annoyed cause its snowing outside (me and snow just don't get along, we're working on creating a mutual understanding and cordial relationship….I'll keep you posted) and parking was horrific and I was cold and wet and the printer wouldn't print my paper that was due in less than 10 minutes! 

So.. i blurt out in all my frustration, "Why am i even here?! Why are we paying $3000 a semester to go to a school where the printers and computers don't even work?!" 

I sometimes like to be dramatic. You know, its a 21 year old girl thing.

Of course, right after I said this me and my mom laughed and all was well and I really wasn't questioning the value of my education on one broken electronic device in the entire BYU campus.

But this got me thinking.. why am I here?? Why am I living in Provo?

And let me tell you, after two plus years of being a Provo resident I still don't know the exact answer to that question. When i moved here, I had this picturesque outlook on Provo. It would be oh, so fun. I would love school and learning and BYU would be the greatest thing to ever happen to me. I would date lots and I would have so many friends. I would love the snow and it would be pretty and i could wear cute coats and boots and scarves and beanies and my car would never slide or swerve on the ice. I would know my purpose here and KNOW that this is where I am supposed to be at this time in my life.

And honestly, almost all of those things my young, naive self pictured, haven't happened. At least, they haven't happened in the way I expected or hoped they would.

I have seriously contemplated switching schools and moving home multiple times. I have experienced some of my loneliest moments, some of my biggest mistakes, and some of my hardest, most trying experiences.

But i have also experienced some of the greatest opportunities, met some of the most influence people I know. I've grown to know and love myself better despite all my mistakes and insecurities and down right stupid things that I do. I've learned about myself better. What i like and don't like. I've learned how i respond to certain situations. I've learned about three (yes three) different majors. I've learned that in certain aspects of life, I'm not as strong as I thought I was. But also, in other situations that I am stronger than I imagined. I learned that I can do hard things. That I can be courageous and brave.

A few semesters ago, when I was going through a hard time, I put my contract up for sell so I could move home. A few long weeks later, I got a phone call and someone wanted to buy my contract! I was overjoyed! Then, i sat there in my extra small room on my floor and had a knot in my stomach. I couldn't move home. I was so confused because it was all that I wanted, but not what i needed. I called her back and told her it was no longer for sale and that I was staying. I couldn't believe what I was saying. It felt like such an out of body experience. Looking back on that day, I am so grateful the Lord wanted me to stay here. I sure had (and still have) so much to learn.

I learned that ultimately, it's my choice. I CHOOSE how I react to this quaint little place called Provo.

I still don't know the exact reasons I am here.  And I still don't know exactly what I want with my life and how I should be spending my time. That's life though, isn't it? That's what makes it so exciting and so great and such an adventure.

And you know, Provo has been oh, so good to me. So so good to me. I'll always and forever love this place. I've found me here. And despite all of it's un-met expectations and lack of Chipotles (like seriously, what is life without Chipotle?) it's been one of the absolute greatest things to ever happen to me.

I love you Provo, I really do.